Family​

Secrets of Success

We hear a lot about what it did to broken families. But how do other families manage to be successful?

From 1990 to 2015, the divorce rate in the United States doubled among people over 50 and tripled among people over 65.

Parents are confused: Some experts recommend giving children constant praise, while others claim tough love is needed.

Young people start their adult lives without having acquired basic skills.

Nevertheless, it is a fact that . . .

Marriage can be a happy and lasting union.

Parents can learn to discipline their children with love.

Young people can acquire the skills they will need in their adult lives.

How; Let's break down some secrets to a successful family.

FOR COUPLES

1: Feeling of Commitment

WHAT IT MEANS

Committed spouses see their marriage as a permanent bond, and this gives them a sense of security. Each partner is confident that the other will honor the marriage union, even in difficult times.

Some couples feel compelled to stay together because they fear what society or family will say. However, it is much better to base the feeling of commitment on mutual love and respect.

"If there is a sense of commitment in marriage, you show more tolerance when you are wronged. You forgive easily and say sorry easily. You see problems as obstacles that can be overcome, not grounds for divorce."​—Natalie.

BECAUSE IT'S IMPORTANT

When problems arise, uncommitted couples are more likely to conclude, "We just weren't meant for each other," and look for ways to escape their marriage.

"Many get married with the assumption that if something goes wrong, there is the alternative of divorce. When one marries with the possibility of divorce already in mind, the sense of commitment is crippled in the first place."​—Elena.

WHAT CAN YOU DO

DO A SELF-EXAMINATION

When you have an argument. . .

Do you find yourself regretting marrying your partner?

Do you dream of yourself with another person?

Do you say things like, "I'm going to get up and leave" or "I'm going to find someone who appreciates me"?

If you answered yes to at least one of these questions, you urgently need to strengthen the feeling of commitment.

TALK WITH YOUR PARTNER

Has the sense of commitment in our own marriage faded? If so, why?

What immediate steps can we take to strengthen it?

IDEAS

From time to time write a couple of tender words to your partner.

Show others the sense of commitment you feel by having photos of your partner in your workplace.

Call your partner every day when you are at work or when you are not together.

2: Collaboration

WHAT IT MEANS

When there is cooperation in marriage, the husband and wife are like the captain and co-pilot of an airplane following the same flight plan. Even when difficulties arise, both think in terms of "we", not "me".

BECAUSE IT IS IMPORTANT

When they have a disagreement, spouses who do not feel like they are a team tend to fight each other instead of the problem. A minor issue turns into a whole issue.

"Cooperation is the backbone of marriage. If my husband and I were not a team, we would be roommates, not marriage partners —that is, two people who live together but are on a different wavelength when it comes to important decisions."​—Nicole.

WHAT CAN YOU DO

DO A SELF-EXAMINATION

Do I consider the money I make "exclusively mine"?

Do I feel the need to be somewhere without my partner to really relax?

Am I keeping my distance from my partner's relatives, even though he is close to them?

TALK WITH YOUR PARTNER

In what area(s) of our marriage do we work well together as a team?

In which area(s) do we need improvement?

What steps can we take to improve the spirit of cooperation?

IDEAS

Imagine you are playing tennis against your partner. What practical steps will you take to cross over to the other side of the field and play on the same team?

Instead of thinking, "How will I win?" to think: "How are we going to win?"

"Don't dwell on who is right and who is wrong. This does not matter so much in the face of the peace and unity of your marriage."​—Thomas.

FOR COUPLES

Secrets of Success

3: Respect

WHAT IT MEANS

Respectful spouses care about each other, even during a disagreement. "These couples don't get gridlocked in their separate positions," says the book Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage. "Instead, they keep talking with each other about conflicts. They listen respectfully to their spouses' perspectives and they find compromises that work for both sides."

"To respect my wife means that I appreciate her value and I don't want to do anything that would damage her or our marriage."​—Michael.

WHY IT MATTERS

Without respect, conversation between spouses can become laced with criticism, sarcasm, and even contempt​—qualities that researchers say are early predictors of divorce.

"Making snide remarks, innuendos, or jokes about your wife will only crush her confidence, destroy her trust, and damage your marriage."​—David.

WHAT YOU CAN DO

TEST YOURSELF

Track your conversation and actions for a week. Then ask yourself:

'How often did I criticize my spouse, and how often did I give her a compliment?'

'In what specific ways did I show respect for my spouse?'

DISCUSS WITH YOUR SPOUSE

What actions and words would help each of you feel respected?

What actions and words make each of you feel disrespected?

TIPS

Write down three ways you would like to be shown respect. Have your spouse do the same. Exchange lists, and work on showing respect in the areas that were identified.

Make a list of traits that you admire about your spouse. Then tell your spouse how much you appreciate those traits.

"To respect my husband means I show by my actions that I value him and that I want him to be happy. It isn't always a grand gesture; sometimes a series of small acts can demonstrate genuine respect."​—Alexandra.

In the end, it is not a matter of whether you view yourself as respectful or not; it is a question of whether your spouse feels respected. 

4: Forgiveness

WHAT IT MEANS

To forgive means that you let go of an offense and any feelings of resentment it may have caused. Forgiveness does not require that you minimize the wrong or pretend it never occurred.

"When you love someone, you look past that person's imperfections and instead see the person that he or she is trying to become."​—Alex.

WHY IT MATTERS

If you hold on to resentment, you can harm yourself physically and emotionally​—you can also damage your marriage.

"One time my husband apologized for something that hurt me deeply. It was hard for me to forgive him. I eventually did, but I regret that I didn't do it sooner. It put an unnecessary strain on our relationship."​—Mary.

WHAT YOU CAN DO

TEST YOURSELF

The next time you are hurt by something your spouse has said or done, ask yourself:

'Am I overly sensitive?'

'Is the offense so serious that I need an apology, or can I just overlook it?'

DISCUSS WITH YOUR SPOUSE

How long does it usually take for us to forgive each other?

What can we do to get to the point of forgiveness quicker?

TIPS

When you are offended, do not attribute bad motives to your spouse.

Try to excuse your spouse's behavior, remembering that we all stumble many times.

"It's easy to forgive when we're both at fault, but it's more difficult when the offense seems one-sided. Accepting an apology and forgiving takes true humility."​—Veronica.

If you hold on to resentment, you can harm yourself physically and emotionally​—you can also damage your marriage.  

5: Communication

WHAT IT MEANS

Genuine communication takes place when you and your children share a two-way exchange of thoughts and feelings.

WHY IT MATTERS

Communication can become especially challenging with teenagers. Perhaps not long ago, "it was like you had a backstage pass to your children's lives," says the book Breaking the Code. "Now the best you can hope for is a seat out in the audience, and it probably won't even be a very good seat." Contrary to appearances, when this happens children need communication the most!

WHAT YOU CAN DO

Adapt to your child's timetable. Do so even if that means late-night conversations.

"You might feel like saying, 'Now you want to talk? I was with you all day!' But how can we complain if our children want to open up to us? Isn't that what every parent hopes for?"​—Eleana.

"I like my sleep, but some of the best conversations I've had with my teenagers have been after midnight."​—Roberto.

Fight distraction. One father admits: "I sometimes find myself mentally multitasking when my children are speaking. And I'm not fooling them​—they can tell!"

If you can relate to that statement, turn off the TV and put down all devices. Focus on what your child is saying, and treat his or her concern as worthy of your full attention, no matter how trivial it may seem.

"We need to assure our children that their feelings are important to us. If they think otherwise, they will keep their concerns locked inside or turn elsewhere for help."​—Miranda.

"Don't overreact, even if your child's thinking is way off center."​—Antonio.

Take advantage of informal settings. Sometimes children open up when they are not sitting face-to-face with a parent.

"We take advantage of car rides. Being side-by-side rather than across from each other has led to good discussions."​—Teresa.

Mealtime presents another opportunity for informal conversation.

"At dinnertime each of us relates the worst thing and the best thing that happened that day. This practice unites us and lets each of us know that we don't have to face problems alone."​—Constantine.

6: Discipline

WHAT IT MEANS

The word discipline can mean to guide or to teach. At times, that includes correcting a child's misbehavior. Often, though, it involves imparting moral training that helps a child learn to make good choices in the first place.

WHY IT MATTERS

In recent decades, discipline has all but disappeared from some households, as parents fear that correction might lower a child's self-esteem. However, wise parents set reasonable rules and train their children to abide by them.

"Children need boundaries to help them grow into well-rounded adults. Without discipline, children are like a rudderless ship​—which will eventually go off course or even capsize."​—Nicole.

WHAT YOU CAN DO

Be consistent. If your child does not adhere to your rules, enforce consequences. On the other hand, readily commend your child when he or she complies.

"I frequently commend my children for their being obedient in a world where obedience is so rare. Commendation makes it easier for them to accept correction when it is needed."​—Melina.

Be reasonable. Balance the child's age and competence level with the weight of the infraction. Consequences are usually most effective when they are related to the wrong​—for example, misuse of the phone might result in the loss of phone privileges for a period of time. At the same time, avoid making major issues over minor irritations.

"I try to determine if my child has been deliberately disobedient or if he just made an error in judgment. There is a difference between a serious trait that needs to be weeded out and a mistake that just needs to be pointed out."​—Lisa.

Be loving. Discipline is much easier for children to accept and apply when they know that a parent's primary motive is love.

"When our son made mistakes, we reassured him that we were proud of all the good decisions he had made in the past. We explained that the mistake wouldn't define him as long as he made the needed correction and that we were there to help him do that."​—Dimitris.

7: Values

WHAT IT MEANS

Values are the personal standards by which you choose to live. For example, do you strive to be honest in all things? Then likely you want to instill that moral value in your children.

Values also include ethical standards. For example, a person with solid ethics is industrious, fair, and considerate of others​—traits that are best developed while a person is still young.

WHY IT MATTERS

In the age of technology, moral values are essential. "Bad influences can be accessed on any mobile device at any time," says a mother named Karyn. "Our children could be sitting right next to us while they're watching something indecent!"

Ethical values are essential too. That includes extending simple courtesies (such as saying "please" and "thank you") and showing concern for others​—a value that has become rare, as people seem more interested in devices than they are in people.

WHAT YOU CAN DO

State your moral values. For example, research shows that teenagers are more likely to abstain from premarital sex if they have been given the clear message that such conduct is wrong.

TIP: Use a current event to initiate a discussion about values. For example, if the news reports a hate crime, you could say: "It's horrible the way some people show such anger toward others. How do you think people become like that?"

"It's a lot harder for children to choose between right and wrong if they don't know what is right or wrong."​—Mason.

Teach ethical values. Even younger children can learn to say "please" and "thank you" and to show regard for others. "The more children see that they are part of something larger than themselves​—a family, a school, a community—​the more readily they perform acts of kindness that benefit everyone, not just themselves," says the book Parenting Without Borders.

TIP: Assign chores to your children to help them learn the value of serving others.

"If our children get used to doing chores now, they won't be shocked when they live on their own. Taking care of responsibilities will already be a part of their life."​—Clara.

8: Example

WHAT IT MEANS

Parents who set the example live by what they teach. For instance, you could hardly expect your son to be truthful if he overheard you say, "Tell him I'm not home," when you do not want to speak to someone at the door.

"A common saying is 'Do as I say, not as I do.' But that approach doesn't work with children. They are like sponges that absorb everything we say and do, and they will tell us when our example isn't consistent with what we try to teach them."​—Daniel.

WHY IT MATTERS

Children and even teenagers are influenced more by their parents than by anyone else​—including their peers. That means you are in the primary position to guide your children in the right way​—provided, of course, that you practice what you preach.

"We can repeat something a hundred times and wonder if our child is listening, but the one time we don't do as we say, the child will point it out. Children pay attention to everything we do, even when we don't think they do."​—Natalie.

WHAT YOU CAN DO

Examine your own standards. What type of entertainment do you watch? How do you treat your spouse and children? What kind of friends do you have? Are you thoughtful of others? In short, are you the kind of person you want your children to become?

"My husband and I don't hold our children to a standard that we ourselves don't live by."​—Chrysanthi.

Apologize for your mistakes. Your children already know that you are not perfect. By saying "I'm sorry" when appropriate​—both to your spouse and to your children—​you will provide a valuable lesson in honesty and humility.

"Our children need to hear us admit when we are wrong, and they need to hear us apologize for our error. If we don't, they will only learn to cover over their mistakes."​—Romeo.

"As parents, we have the greatest influence on our children, and our example is the greatest tool we have because they see it all the time. It's the book that's always open, the lesson that's always being taught."​—Anna.

9: Identity

WHAT IT MEANS

Your identity goes far beyond your name and appearance. It involves your values, beliefs, and character. Really, your identity is everything that makes you, you​—both inside and out.

WHY IT MATTERS

When you have a strong sense of identity, you stand up for your beliefs instead of allowing your peers to control you.

"A lot of people are like the mannequins you see in a store display. They don't choose the clothes they wear; others do."​—Alexander.

"I've learned how to stand up for what is right even when it's hard. I can tell who my real friends are by how they act and by how I act around them."​—Lisa.

WHAT YOU CAN DO

Develop a sense of who you are now and who you want to become by analyzing your strengths, your weaknesses, and your convictions. A good way to start is to answer the following questions.

Strengths: What talents and skills do I have? What are my strong points? (For example: Am I punctual? self-controlled? hardworking? generous?) What positive things do I do?

TIP: Are you having trouble identifying positive things about yourself? Ask a parent or a trusted friend what strengths he or she sees in you and why.

Weaknesses: What aspects of my personality need the most work? When am I especially susceptible to temptation? In what areas could I exercise greater self-control?

Convictions: What moral code do I follow, and why? What actions do I consider to be unjust, and why? What convictions do I hold about the future? 

10: Trustworthiness

WHAT IT MEANS

Trustworthy people earn the confidence of their parents, friends, and employers. They abide by the rules, keep their promises, and always tell the truth.

WHY IT MATTERS

In almost every case, the amount of freedom you receive is directly related to the level of trust you have earned over time.

"The best way to earn your parents' trust is to demonstrate that you are mature and responsible, not only when you are with them but also when they are not around."​—Sara.

WHAT YOU CAN DO

Whether you want to earn more trust or regain lost trust, the following steps can help.

Be honest. Nothing will shatter others' trust in you quicker than lies. Conversely, when you are open and honest​—especially about your mistakes—​you can earn the trust of others.

"It's easy to be honest when things are going well. But being honest about things that cast you in a bad light goes a long way in building trust."​—Kenan.

Be dependable. In one U.S. survey, 78 percent of human-resource professionals indicated that reliability was "one of the three most important skills for entry-level positions." Learning to be dependable now will benefit you as an adult.

"My parents notice when I'm responsible and do my chores without their having to nag me. The more I show initiative like that, the more they reward it with their trust."​—Marietta.

Be patient. Unlike physical growth, which is readily apparent to others, time is often needed for others to recognize emotional and mental growth.

"There's no single act that can earn the trust of your parents and others. But you can build it gradually if you're consistently responsible over time."​—Ioannis.

11: Industriousness

WHAT IT MEANS

Industrious people do not shy away from work. Rather, they enjoy working hard to provide for their personal needs and to help others​—even if the work they do is not glamorous.

WHY IT MATTERS

Like it or not, life is full of responsibilities. In a world where many dislike the idea of working hard, being industrious puts you at an advantage.

"I've learned that when you work hard, you get a sense of pride and inner satisfaction. That feeling of inner satisfaction has actually caused me to learn to like work. Having a strong work ethic will help you build a good reputation too."​—Ryan.

WHAT YOU CAN DO

Cultivate a positive view of work by following the steps outlined here.

Take pride in learning to do things well. Whether you are doing chores, finishing your assigned homework, or engaging in secular work, immerse yourself in what you are doing. Once you can perform a task well, look for ways to improve​—doing it faster or better. The more skillful you are, the more you will enjoy your work.

See the bigger picture. In almost every case, when you care for your responsibilities well, you benefit others. For example, when you are industrious about your chores, you lighten the load for others in your family.

Go the extra mile. Instead of doing just the bare minimum, try to do more than you are required to do. In this way, you are in control of your life​—doing more, not because you are forced to, but because you choose to.

Be balanced. Industrious people are not lazy, nor are they workaholics. They aim for balance, finding enjoyment both in hard work and in periods of rest. 

12: Goals

WHAT IT MEANS

A goal is more than just a dream​—something you wish would happen. Real goals involve planning, flexibility, and good, old-fashioned hard work.

Goals can be short-range (taking days or weeks to accomplish), medium-range (months), and long-range (a year or more). Long-range goals can be reached through a series of intermediate goals.

WHY IT MATTERS

Reaching goals can boost your confidence, strengthen your friendships, and increase your happiness.

Self-confidence: When you set small goals and reach them, you gain the confidence to take on bigger ones. You also feel more confident when facing day-to-day challenges​—such as standing up to peer pressure.

Friendships: People enjoy being around those who are reasonably goal-oriented​—that is, those who know what they want and are willing to work for it. Moreover, one of the best ways to strengthen a friendship is to work with another person toward a common goal.

Happiness: When you set and reach goals, you feel a sense of accomplishment.

"I love having goals. They keep me occupied and give me something to keep reaching for. And when you reach a goal, it feels great to look back and say, 'Wow, I really did it! I accomplished what I set out to do.'"​—Christos.

WHAT YOU CAN DO

Take these steps to set and reach your goals.

Identify. Make a list of potential goals, and prioritize them​—choosing the ones you want to work on first, second, third, and so forth.

Plan. For each goal, do the following:

▶Set a realistic deadline.

▶Plan the steps involved.

▶Anticipate obstacles, and think of how to overcome them.

Act. Do not wait until you have every detail worked out to get started. Ask yourself, 'What is the very first thing I can do toward reaching my goal?' Then do it. Track your progress as you complete each step.

What Can I Expect from a Wedding?

"When we are together, I fly in the clouds! I can't stand a minute away from him!"

"We don't fit in at all. Instead of husbands and wives, we ended up roommates. I feel so lonely!"

You guessed right. The first of the above statements was made by an unmarried girl and the second by a married woman. But what you probably don't imagine is that the same person said them.

But what went wrong? If you want to get married someday, how can you make sure that your romantic dream doesn't turn into the nightmare reality of a troubled marriage?

A big truth: Much of happiness in marriage depends on what your expectations are.

So realistically speaking, what can you expect from marriage? In brief:

1. Beautiful things

2. Difficulties

3. Unexpectedly

Let's take them in order.

BEAUTIFUL THINGS

Many describe the wedding with beautiful colors. Check out some good ones you can expect.

Company. God made man and woman with separate gifts so that they are different but at the same time compatible. So, the two spouses can actually be a great companion for each other.​

Cooperation. An ancient but current quote says: "Two are better than one, because their work yields more." This certainly applies to marriage as well. "It's about working as a team and being humble and willing to make concessions here and there," says newlywed Brenda.

Sexual relations. When you're married, it's not just love and affection that keeps the bond alive. An intimate sense of intimacy and intercourse is what is needed for your relationship to flourish and prosper. Sex is one of the factors that can help you improve your intimacy with your partner. It can also reduce tension, enrich your family situation as you cultivate an emotional connection and improve your relationship. Apart from being a means of ultimate pleasure, sex helps to cultivate love and stay focused in your relationship contributing to its longevity.

Bottom line: Marriage can be a gift. When you cultivate your inner man and transform yourself into a constructive character and accordingly choose a person of similar personality you can expect your marriage to be a source of joy and satisfaction.

Consider: Is marriage not such a good idea because you have some unfortunate examples in mind​—perhaps even within your own family? If this is the case, what positive role models can you find worth emulating?

DIFFICULTIES

It is important to have a realistic picture of marriage. See for example some expected difficulties.

Conflicts. No two people are the same and unchanging—their only striking similarity is imperfection, that they make mistakes. Therefore, spouses will also have their differences, however compatible they may seem. Sometimes they may even say bad things that they later regret. Instead of turning a blind eye to reality and thinking they can avoid all disagreements, successful couples learn to discuss and resolve them when they arise.

Disappointment. "Cinema and television bombard us with stories where the girl finds the 'perfect' match and then they live well and we live better," says Karen. When a marriage doesn't live up to this fairy-tale image, then both might land bumpily in reality. Of course, after marriage it is understood that they will discover other flaws and oddities in each other. The secret is to remember that true love endures everything, even disappointment.

Worry. Married people worry about the things of the world, just like everyone else around them. This concern is normal, and often legitimate. For example, you may struggle to make ends meet. Perhaps you both need to work equally for the necessities​—food, clothing, and shelter. But you can succeed if you make this effort by working as a team.​

Bottom line: If dating is like flying a kite, marriage is like piloting an airplane. It will take incomparably more skill and effort to face the stormy difficulties​—but you can succeed.

Think: How do you now handle conflicts with your parents and siblings? Can you see disappointments in their proper dimension? How do you handle anxiety?

Brittany​—I don't think it's such a good idea to get married just because you're tired of people asking, "When the hell are you getting married?" After all, when difficulties come tomorrow, you will get through them​—not those who push you.

Ciara​—When emotions get in the way, thinking becomes clouded. Here's why I think parents should play an important role when choosing a partner. After all, they know you better than anyone, so they should be able to help you find the right one for you.

      Relations with In-Laws

Jenny says: Ryan's mother didn't hesitate to express her disapproval of me. But of course Ryan was not treated any better than my own parents. In fact, I had never seen them treat someone so rudely! Visiting parents, either one or the other, was a great test for both of us.

Ryan says: My mother never considered anyone worthy of her children, so she found fault with Jenny from the start. And her parents treated me the same way—they constantly belittled me. The thing is, after such episodes, we were each defending our own parents and picking on each other.

FIGHTS with in-laws may be an inspiration to comedians, but in real life they are no laughing matter. "My mother-in-law interfered in our marriage for years," says Rina from India. "Because I couldn't lash out at my husband's mother, I usually lashed out at him. He seemed to constantly have to choose between being a good husband or a good son."

Why do some in-laws interfere in the lives of their married children? Jenny, quoted at the beginning, mentions one possible reason: "Maybe it's hard for them to see someone young and inexperienced taking care of their son or daughter." Dilip, Reena's husband, goes a step further. "Parents, who have made sacrifices for their child and raised him, can feel left out," he says. "They may also be genuinely concerned that their son or daughter lacks the wisdom needed to make the marriage work."

To be fair, sometimes the in-laws are called upon to intervene. Take Michael and Leanne, a couple in Australia, for example. "Lian comes from a very close-knit family where everyone communicates openly," says Michael. "So after we got married, she was consulting her father on decisions that she and I basically had to make. Her father had a lot of experience, but it still bothered me that she was going to him and not to me!"

It is clear that friction with in-laws can cause tension. Is this happening in your marriage too? How do you get along with your partner's parents, and how does he get along with yours? Consider two potential pitfalls and how you can deal with them.

DIFFICULTY 1:

Your partner seems overly attached to his parents. "My wife thought that if we didn't live close to her parents, it would be like betraying them," says Luis from Spain, adding: "But when our son was born and my own parents came to see us visit every day, my wife was irritated. This caused many conflicts between us."

The issues under consideration:

The Holy Bible says that when a man marries, "he leaves his father and his mother and cleaves to his wife and they become one flesh". (Genesis 2:24) The expression "become one flesh" includes much more than two people staying together. In fact, it means that the husband and wife make a new family, which comes first in relation to their parents' families. Of course, both must continue to honor their parents, and oftentimes that means paying attention to them. What if your partner handles this responsibility in a way that makes you feel ignored or neglected? 

What can you do:

When you marry, you cease to be under the authority of your parents. However, as mentioned earlier, both spouses must honor their parents. But what if parents—whether yours or your partner's—are overstepping the bounds and trying to impose their views? 

What can you do: